Hello,
Yup day three and I still haven't started.
I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure that I can please anyone. I've tried hard ever since I was fired (which still seems like a dream in itself) last December to live up to my full potential. Obviously that hasn't happened in some people's minds. There's always a voice saying "Try harder", "You're working but not hard enough", "You're good but you're not THAT good." It's getting frustrating.
You have no idea what it's like to be called into the office of a job that you love, filled with people you care about and get along with, to be told that you're fired because you stood up for yourself or someone else. I stood up for my husband and got fired. Fired from a job where I was making 3x the amount an hour I'm making now and a job that I was good at. There's not hope of getting it back since the policy of the office is "You're fired, you never get to come back." I rocked at that job, and now it's as if it never existed.
After that I took any job I could find to make ends meet. Bookstore, Housekeeping, even trying to get my own business off the ground. Nothing worked for me and I felt like an epic failure every time I had to turn my two weeks in or was let go due to lack of work.
Yeah I cried a lot, but I worked through it and kept my big girl panties on the whole frustrating and hurtful time. But I guess that doesn't count.
It also doesn't count that I love and care about the kids I work with. They say I do a good job, but don't take into consideration the changes that need to be done to make my life and other co worker's lives easier and more fulfilling for the kids.
So that's like....4 fails so far in the course of less than a year.
I've changed a lot since I moved to Grand Forks. I've grown up a lot and don't fly off the handle as much as I used to. I try my best as a wife and caregiver and try to balance my feelings with those around me.
I guess it all came to a head when I realized that I still feel the way I've always felt about myself. I'm a fail. I got into a lot of s**ty relationships, I've done nothing with my degree really, I've been fired once in my life when my work ethic has always been to do my best and live up to the potential everyone seems to think I have.
Let's get onto the next epic fail...this blog and this idea. Yeah, I haven't started yet, and I guess that makes me a fail at this too. I try my best everyday not to p**s people off and not interfere with their lives by voicing my opinions. I've kept my mouth shut when it comes to other people in my life wanting to do what they want to do and I have to deal with it.
So let's just say...tomorrow is another day and I'm going to try to make everyone happy. However, I don't think I'll ever be good enough, strong enough, skinny enough, or happy enough for anyone.
I'm done..I'm going to bed...goodnight to those who care about and love me..I'll see you on the flip side.
Big Fat Hairy Fail: too many to count
Zombie Gurl: 0
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